Indirectly trained by the best, most aggressive young guys out here. I'm not a stylish, graceful surfer but more of a charger - forceful, quick, hard. Overall, I'm pretty good.

But I don't like competition. Well, I do but I don't.  I'm naturally competitive but have low self-confidence. Bad combo. And surfing is a spiritual activity for me. Something that provides solace and sense in my life. Could competing strip something away from it?

I was waylaid into this competition in the first place. I don't remember ever saying "Yes, I'll do it." In a small town, with small numbers, somehow you just are forced to take part. If I back out now, I'll mess up the numbers, since we're competing in pairs (experienced female surfer with newer surfer. I'm considered "experienced.")

The only surf competition I took part in was The Clam Jam (that's right, The Clam Jam) last year, in stormy, hurricane swell. Monster, mean waves with a massive rip current. I couldn't duck dive my board at the time, so my ass was resoundingly beaten (and not in that good way.)

Here's a picture of a duck dive gone wrong, so you can get an idea (though the waves weren't this big):

For several days after the contest, I felt miserable. Again, my self-esteem is questionable on a good day. But you can imagine the dark places I go when 200+ people watch me fail miserably.

I'll never forget hearing over the loud speakers, as I got tossed around like a rag doll by white water, "Beth Mann, you are dangerously close the jetties! Move away from the rocks!" No shit, dude. I see the big rocks. All up close and personal-like. Barnacles and all. I'm quite aware of my peril, thank you.

So, you see, I would have dropped out of this competition tomorrow but:

1. Again, I am competitive by nature and a decent and daring surfer, in spite of myself.

2. I've been training a 17-year old girl all summer so she could compete. She is immensely positive about the competition. "I just want to present myself. I usually don't like when people look at me and I want to not feel like that anymore. I want to feel proud of myself, just where I am."

So some 17-year old has a better outlook on this competition than me. I need to have her attitude tomorrow and do well. My well.

And blah, blah, blah. That all sounds good in theory. All that positive bullshit self-talk that's supposed to play in our heads according to all the positive bullshit books. Truth of it is, my little demons may come out to play and possibly dictate how I perform. Or how I react to how I perform. All the pep talks in the world won't magically erase those old tapes.

So tomorrow I compete. I compete against the few female friends I have here, possibly creating some awkwardness. I compete in front of a bunch of macho hotshot surf boys who will judge me. I compete with Mother Nature (though I don't know if I totally look at it that way.) And I compete with myself, the most dangerous element of all.

Just don't want to sink into a hole, you know? I don't want to feel badly about anything else right now.

***

 

And here's for all of you who say "New Jersey doesn't get big waves."

Ladies and gentlemen, Hurricane Bill 2009, Jersey shore style:


Photos: Surfline.com